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[Sapphire]

Hi, can you help my sister out. She is in year 9. My sister has an essay due tommorow about "why slaver was abolished in Britain?"

Her teacher also gave a level sheet to her:
Level 6 - An answer giving a variety of reasons or factors. They should mention both individuals and movements, organisations or events, such as rebellions. There should be a reasoned conclusion explaining the relative importance of different factors. The work should be at least a page in length.

Level 5 - Several different factors should be considered if not fully explained. They may mention just individuals or just movements, organisations or events. There will be some attempt at explanation but no substained srgument and a weak conclusion. It may be less than a page length.

Level 4 - A very limited number of factors will be considered, maybe only one or two, with a tendency just to list factors with little or no explanation. There will be no conclusion and the work maybe very short.

A, b or c will be given according to weather the work is at the top, middle or bottom of the level.

Essay deleted

She wants you to tell her what was good about the essay – what colud be improved to get a better mark and what level is the essay currently at.
Please help her out on how she can improve it
Thanks

[Mr. D. Bryant]

Hi, can you help my sister out. She is in year 9. My sister has an essay due tommorow about "why slaver was abolished in Britain?"

Her teacher also gave a level sheet to her:
Level 6 - An answer giving a variety of reasons or factors. They should mention both individuals and movements, organisations or events, such as rebellions. There should be a reasoned conclusion explaining the relative importance of different factors. The work should be at least a page in length.

Level 5 - Several different factors should be considered if not fully explained. They may mention just individuals or just movements, organisations or events. There will be some attempt at explanation but no substained srgument and a weak conclusion. It may be less than a page length.

Level 4 - A very limited number of factors will be considered, maybe only one or two, with a tendency just to list factors with little or no explanation. There will be no conclusion and the work maybe very short.

A, b or c will be given according to weather the work is at the top, middle or bottom of the level.

She wants you to tell her what was good about the essay – what colud be improved to get a better mark and what level is the essay currently at.
Please help her out on how she can improve it
Thanks

Remember we don't tend to mark students' work, as we don't have the time and we don't want to disagree with your teacher. However, if she looks at the mark scheme which you helpfully provided, she should be able to work out which level she has reached.

For what its worth, I think the essay has good breadth - it looks at a range of reasons. If she wants to make it even better then it would be worth looking at the conclusion. Does she think she has the reasons in the right order at the moment, with the most important one first? Has she mentioned everything in the conclusion in the main body of her essay? Perhaps also take a look at her paragraphs. Is it clear where they begin?

Hope these few ideas are of some use. It's already a good essay; hope it gets a good mark.